I have
been in psychotherapy for a few weeks with an older male. I had a near-death
experience after my last child’s birth and have been in a state of not
coping with my life prior to starting psychotherapy. Recently after much
reading and introspection I have come to realise that I have had transference
issues with every prominent older male in my life. (My husbanded is also
very older than I am.) My father died before I was born. I feel that this
incredible void in my life was brought to a breaking point when lying on
my (almost) death bed made me realise that my children might also grow up
with one parent only. I discussed this with my psychotherapist recently;
however, he acted(?) as if he did not know what this was about and made it
out to be meaningless in my current psychotherapy setting—marriage
counselling and burnout really—and changed the subject to the other
issues that we have been dealing with. Is he just playing dumb? Is this part
of the therapy plan? I am mad at him for making this incredible honesty from
me being discarded as insignificant and “in the past.” I understand
what I have been feeling towards him (and the other men—some have taken
advantage of this) is not appropriate; however, I feel as if he is making
this out to be very insignificant, where I see this as the reason (maybe
unresolved grieving for a father I never knew) for repetitive transference.
How do I resolve this myself? If he is not going to help me with this should
I change psychotherapists? Do some psychotherapists not believe in the occurrence
and significance of transference? Does talking and focusing so much about
one’s problems not make them the centre of your existence, and therefore
worse?
If your psychotherapist is treating you under
managed care, then
it is possible that he may have been playing dumb about
transference issues.
After all, psychotherapists who work for the managed-care industry know very
well that if they do anything other than the basic
cognitive-behavioral
treatment plan that the managed-care companies want, they will not get paid.
It’s also
possible that your psychotherapist really is dumb and knows very little
about transference. Many psychotherapists today have not received training
in psychodynamic
psychology or, if they have been exposed to these concepts, they simply lack
the intelligence and motivation to work with sophisticated
unconscious issues
in the treatment. In this sense, listen to the words of Groucho Marx from
one of his movies: “He looks like a fool and acts like a fool. So
don’t be deceived. He is a fool.”
Now, in your
case, you need the help of a psychotherapist who can
teach you to respect and understand your unconscious.
No, is it not true that talking and focusing so much about one’s problems
makes them the centre of your existence, and therefore worse. In fact, not
talking about your problems makes things worse. By not speaking about
your inner experiences, you keep them imprisoned in the unconscious where
they become fuel for unconscious
anger and
victimization. And,
in regard to transference issues with men, I have seen this often enough
in my clinical practice to have given a name to it:
Ira Patrem
Latebrosa (hidden anger at the father).
So be careful
to not let this bad experience keep you stuck. There are psychotherapists
who can help you, and you can find them if you
interview them
carefully and, if necessary, are willing to pay out of your own pocket for
real psychotherapy.
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advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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