My therapist
[has been planning on moving out of town]. . . . I’ve
been in therapy for at least 4 years and made a lot of
progress. . . . But [recently] she told me that the contract
on her house has not yet been signed and the deal could fall through and
that she may be around another 6 months. I was bummed out, though I didn’t
tell her that. My mind is geared to leaving. . . . I’m
confused. . . . I hate to say it, but I think I’m being
strung along. . . . And now I’m even feeling like she’s
the one who doesn’t want to let go and I’m taking care of her feelings
by staying. . . . My anger is starting to express itself in
masochistic sexual fantasies with my therapist. I’ve never had any sexual
fantasies (good or bad) with my therapist in all the years I’ve known
her, which is odd for me, but I thought it was a sign of healing. (I’ve
always had masochistic sexual fantasies) and I was also sexually abused as
a child, adult and even now at work for years. . . . I’ve
tried to have sexual fantasies about her in the past, but I just couldn’t
. . . so I thought it was because I trust her. . . .
Or maybe she keeps her distance so well, I never bonded. . . .
The fantasies are, I want to leave and she won’t let me. It’s scary.
I don’t like it. And I guess this is how I am expressing my anger. Right?
Sometimes in place of her I use a different person, someone I don’t
know, just so it won’t be her. . . . but it is her deep
down . . . I realize this. . . . I’m too
embarrassed to tell her about this. . . . Do therapists hear
this kind of thing a lot? I mean I know sexual fantasies are “normal”
at some point. Why did I not have them for years (I think 3 years). What
does that indicate? And now I’m having them like crazy. I feel scared
inside. . . . I’m very upset about this. I thought she
was different. I don’t want anyone to have power over me, and yet it
is starting to happen in fantasies. I’m scared. What should I do? I
don’t want to have these fantasies. I feel scared deep inside. I feel
embarrassed even telling you, and I don’t know you.
I suppose the answer to most of your problem can be found
in your saying that “I don’t want anyone to have power over me.”
Well, OK, it may not be that clear immediately, so let’s look at
it.
Masochistic
fantasies have
two wishes within them: a wish to be dominated, and a wish to be punished.
Now, in order to untangle this a bit, we first have to examine the wish to
be dominated. Most likely, in childhood you had experiences in which you
were overwhelmed, or
“smothered,” so to speak, by
someone you needed and whose love you wanted. So you wanted the love, but
hated the smothering. But that “hate” was just too “ugly”
a feeling to tolerate, so you had to push it out of awareness. And, at the
same time, you resigned yourself, unwillingly of course, to the fact that
“love” had to be intimately associated with domination.
Your fantasies,
then, recreate all this emotional turmoil. There’s the desire for
domination, which, according to your personal experience, “means”
love, and there’s the punishment. Punishment for what? Well, punishment
for feeling angry at being dominated. The
anger can’t
be admitted consciously because, if you did that, it would jeopardize the
love you desire. So it becomes a closed circle of punishment for frustrated
love. And, it remains closed until you get the courage to look at the
psychological meaning of it all, rather than just accept it at face-value
as a mere sexual desire.
So, in plain
English, you resent being dominated, and yet you accept it—indeed even
invite it—because you’re too scared to acknowledge—and then
express—your anger at being dominated.
Up until now,
in your psychotherapy, you have managed to keep parts of yourself secret,
and that gave the illusion that things were going well. All the love, none
of the anger, and hence no fantasies. But when your psychotherapist decides
to move, everything falls apart. It’s a decision that dominates the
psychotherapy. And, like most things psychological, it triggers its mirror
image. “Huh? Mirror image?” you ask. Well, she wants to leave and
you won’t let her, right? That is, you won’t let her in so far
as you feel the need to take care of her feelings. In your fantasy, you want
to leave and she won’t let you. Why? Because in your childhood, when
you were “smothered” with fraudulent caring, emotionally you wanted
to leave but she or he wouldn’t let you. So it’s the same theme
of domination, whether original or reflected.
So what can you
do? You need to speak your hurt and frustration or it will remain a closed
circle.
Unfortunately,
you can’t keep anything secret, not your fantasies, and not even your
particular sexual desires. It may not be politically correct, but every aspect
of your life has to be examined as being a possible defense against your
anger at the original smothering. And to get to that anger—so that it
can be expressed openly and healed—you have to get past your anger at
your psychotherapist for doing to you what you have always wanted to do to
the one who smothered you originally.
It’s a weird
thing, psychology, what with its twists and turns and distorted reflections
of reality. And what’s happening now probably isn’t at all what
you expected your psychotherapy to be. And it’s even likely that your
psychotherapist doesn’t even understand what is happening. But if you
seize the opportunity to
encounter it
all, without qualification, then you have a chance to gain life by losing
your fears of openly defending yourself against domination.
Be advised, however,
your psychotherapist may not be able to deal with these things. Only the
really expert psychotherapists have overcome almost all their fears and blind
spots. Just understand that your speaking about all this is critical for
YOU; if your psychotherapist can work with all this therapeutically, then
your psychotherapy will have advanced by a huge leap. If she can’t deal
with it, then let her move away peacefully—and then find someone who
can do real psychotherapy. And be grateful that her moving has made it possible
for you to “move” as well.
There’s
one other warning I need to give as well. There is probably at least one
person in your life right now who derives great pleasure from dominating
you. And if you show any signs that you are “losing your fears of openly
defending yourself against domination” that person will be very threatened
indeed—and may resort to sabotaging your psychotherapy as a form of
self-defense. So be prepared.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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