Recently
I started seeing a psychotherapist and during our last session (5th?), I
felt things got a little ugly. I got the sense that I was being attacked,
having my words twisted, having my current state indirectly belittled (I’m
not proud of it, and I don’t need to be told how harmful it is), being
repeatedly told that my emotions and beliefs about myself are false, being
told to what amounts to lying to myself, being cut off while I’m trying
to express myself, suggesting I get medication when she previously told me
she didn’t think it’s necessary and said I didn’t need to
if I didn’t want to (I’m very anti-meds and she didn’t even
suggest trying alternative therapies first), and generally being treated
like I’m stupid, like I don’t know I’d be unhappy if the status
quo continues. I could tell she was getting frustrated with me, and I don’t
blame her for it given how I’ve been very unresponsive to some of her
suggestions (which mostly consisted of telling me repeatedly to give power
to my positive aspects). And yet...
When
she said, “Look at how beautiful and sunny the weather is outside. Inside
here (the therapist’s office) it’s all dark,” I felt really
unwelcome in her office. I mean I know I’m not Mr. Sunshine, but the
comment felt really out of line, unnecessary, and unhelpful.
This
is very different from my previous therapeutic experience, which was
overwhelmingly positive. Yet I also recognize that when when I was with my
previous therapist, I was more receptive, open, and upbeat given I had some
wonderful people in my life.
Is this
all in my head? A problem with my therapist? Me? Both of us? Are the things
I’m feeling and thinking a warning sign of sorts or should I give this
one more shot? To be honest, after the last session I’m not sure I can
trust her enough or anymore to confront
her. . . .
Actually, you are lying to yourself. In fact, we
all lie
to ourselves because so much of our perceptions and motivations are outside
of our conscious awareness. The task of competent psychotherapy is to help you
get close to your unconscious
so that you can understand the true nature of your misery, and, consequently, to
live more honestly than a person who has not been in psychotherapy.
Nevertheless,
simply being told that you lie to yourself does nothing to help you; instead,
it only makes you defensive and leaves you feeling like you have been
attacked.
I’m reminded here of
a poignant old story that gets right to the point of this sort of issue.
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In the days before
psychotherapy was practiced, a man who was visiting a town went to a physician
and complained of feeling depressed. The doctor, not knowing anything about the
man, and not knowing what to do, said, “Look here. The circus is in town. Go
see the clown Zambini, and he will make you laugh so much you will forget all
your problems!”
The man hung his head and replied, “But doc, I am Zambini
the Clown.” |
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So, what good
is a remedy if it cannot help itself?
Therefore, you can’t
be cured just because someone tells you to be cured. Nor can you stop lying just
by telling yourself to tell the truth, because telling yourself that you will tell
the truth is in itself a lie; that is, it’s a conscious way to avoid accepting the
reality of the unconscious. You need someone to teach you how to understand your
emotions.
In competent psychotherapy,
by paying attention to how your unconscious is revealed in the things you say and do,
you discover the truth of the emotional pain at the core of your distress. But to do
this, it is important that everything be conducted in a positive, respectful manner.
It is important that both you and your psychotherapist examine your thoughts,
emotions, and behavior with compassionate curiosity. It’s a matter involving both of
you. Then, once you can speak about your unconscious, you can learn
from it.
How, then, can you identify
incompetent psychotherapists? They’re the ones who try to tell you what to do, and,
because you haven’t yet acquired the true motivation to do it, you’re left feeling
stupid. Incompetent psychotherapists, like that doctor in the story, leave you stuck
in despair because they are unwilling or unable to take the effort to teach you how to
speak about your unconscious.
So, if your current
psychotherapist gives the impression that you are unwelcome in her office, start
the search for someone who is a competent psychotherapist who does welcome
you.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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