My wife
and I started seeing a marriage counselor who specializes in psychotherapy.
I discovered my wife had a long-term affair and lied about it and this was
really difficult for me to handle since we were married over 20 years. My
wife felt that I was neglecting her and that I sometimes lost my temper (never
any threats or violence, but sometimes getting mad, especially after uncovering
the affair).
The therapist immediately seemed to side with my wife. The sessions never
went in the direction I wanted, which was to work on ways for us to stay
together after the affair. Instead, the conversations always focused on questions
like if I was angry as a youngster, etc. I was getting a pretty bad feeling
about the sessions because the affair, a serious blow to me, was being treated
with as much concern as, perhaps, a squabble over who does the dishes by
my wife and therapist. The last straw for me came when the discussion finally
did come around to my wife’s lover. The therapist asked my wife if she
still loved and respected the other guy and thought of him when she was with
me, etc. etc. and my wife confessed that “Yes,” that was true.
The therapist just said there was nothing wrong with that. At that point
I realized that continued therapy with that therapist would not help me forgive
my wife. I canceled that therapist and we went to someone new. Later, however,
I found out that my wife had continued to see our old therapist behind my
back for many sessions and that therapist basically told my wife that my
wife needed to start thinking about her own happiness and if that meant leaving
me, that was okay. Now if I were a total loser, I could maybe understand
this, but I’m not (of course everyone says that). Seriously, there was
never any abuse or controlling issues. We are two professional people in
our forties who (I thought) loved each other and had a pretty good marriage.
Suddenly my wife wants to leave me for this other guy who she still loves
and the therapist is telling her to do it. Is this how modern-day
psychotherapists approach marriage counseling?
Apparently it’s how one psychotherapist approaches
marriage counseling.
Actually, many
individuals who have been wounded by childhood
abuse or other
traumas tend to be
drawn to a career in psychotherapy. Some of these individuals have an
unconscious anger
at their own
fathers,
a resentment for authority, and a desire to
reform the world,
as a sort of revenge
for the pain that was inflicted on them, and they can unconsciously inflict
their bitterness on their own clients. How can such persons teach anyone
anything about
forgiveness? I
wouldn’t be surprised if your wife’s “therapist” has
been divorced, at least once, herself.
Now, the truth
is that if more people thought about marriage as a lifetime commitment to
building a family—instead of as a stamp of approval for
self-satisfaction—then there wouldn’t be such a problem with
divorce—and sexual affairs.
So what can you
do, given all that has happened so far? Well, your wife is going to do what
she wants to do, and you cannot
control what she
thinks or what advice she is given. All you can do is be for her the image
of a good husband.
First, do your own
psychological work that is necessary to let go of your anger. Look into your
childhood to seek out the root of the anger, discover its deep and unconscious
meaning, and let it go with forgiveness for those who hurt you.
Then, in your marriage,
put aside all bitterness, rivalry, anger, hostility, and argumentative behavior.
Without condoning adultery, be supportive and patient and attentive to your wife’s
feelings. After a while, she will have to say to herself, “Why in the world am I
being told to divorce such a decent man?”
And then you will
have a marriage again.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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