I have
been having an erotic transference toward my psychotherapist for eight months.
He has known about it for six months. In reviewing the psychoanalytical
literature, I found many references to the psychotherapist experiencing an
erotic countertransference in reaction to the client’s transference.
It was explained that it was the unconscious working without the conscious
being aware. I shared such an article with my psychotherapist who disagreed.
He said he had never had any sexual feelings for me. I am devastated. I did
not want these feelings to be acted out but I wanted to feel desirable.
That’s all. I guess I had convinced myself that he must have some
unexpressed, unconscious sexual attraction toward me. I feel very rejected
and unlovable. I am miserable. I now think I hate this man. Perhaps time
will cure me.
Time, in itself, merely affords you the opportunity to
hide your problems deeper in the
unconscious. Real
healing comes from the
honesty of being
able to feel your hurt and then put it into words.
Your experience,
though, offers three lessons relating to the psychology of the
unconscious.
First, you have
encountered the
reality of the love-hate flip-flop, which I describe
elsewhere
on this website. That is, you begin with
erotic desire, and you end up with
hatred.
Second, you can
now grasp the danger of
defining yourself
according to whether or not others desire you. Getting trapped in this illusion
is what destroys mental health; freeing yourself from its clutches should
be the objective of competent psychotherapy. Therefore, instead of wanting
your psychotherapist to desire you, it is more important to work to understand
the futility of this desire.
Third, when people
haven’t freed themselves from their illusions about desire, they
unconsciously block themselves from psychological honesty and resort to
defensively protecting their own egos. That’s what your psychotherapist
did. Instead of honestly discussing the whole concept of unconscious desire,
he closed everything down with a defensive denial. Moreover, the fact that
this matter has so upset you that you felt the need to write to me
points to the probability that your parents—especially your
father—must
have treated you during your childhood with the same exasperating defensiveness
as this psychotherapist. Instead of raising you with real love, they protected
their own pride. And the unconscious effect of that damage is now the reason
why you need psychotherapy.
Learn from this
experience, then, and seek out a psychotherapist who can act as a good father
so that you can have a real cure for your childhood hurt.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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this website has helped you, then