I grew
up with an emotionally unavailable mother. My father was very kind but was
hardly around because of work. I am a 28 female and most of my life, and
(as I now understand it) I secretly longed for and vigilantly sought after
other women with whom I could find a maternal replacement. I’ve always
felt guilty about this because I know that my mother did the best she knew
how. And as I’m getting older, it seems like I should no longer have
such infantile and needy issues, so I’m trying to be independent
emotionally. Needless to say, I’ve never had an intimate relationship
with anyone.
I’ve been in therapy for a 4 years now. And while it has been tremendously
helpful in some areas, this intimacy issue is a constant struggle as I am
unable to get into the really tough issues. I desperately want to, but every
time I think about it, my anxiety builds up to the point where I feel paralyzed
and can’t say anything, so I just don’t even bring it up; although
my therapist is aware of the problems. But now it’s gotten to a point
where I remain silent for long periods during the sessions, and I leave feeling
like a failure for wasting both my and my therapist’s time. My therapist
is very good in always asking for feedback on how I fared afterwards in the
next session, and then we can continue discussing about the present incident.
But after that, I clam up again and the whole thing starts over again.
I’m aware of the fact that feeling my emotions with another person is
part of the process in therapy, and I recognize my avoidance in that. But
there’s a big difference in understanding the process and going through
it. Do you have any suggestions that can help me open up?
First of all, you might want to read the answer I gave
to a previous question on this subject, in which
I explain “opening up” in general.
Your question,
however, touches on some important aspects of emotional openness in
psychotherapy.
First, you say
that you “should no longer have such infantile and needy issues.”
Well, that’s a trap into which many clients fall. But the truth is,
if emotional wounds from childhood are not spoken about and healed, they
remain sealed in the
unconscious like a
time capsule and they will cause you problems no matter how old you are.
It’s as if a frightened child still lives within you, despite the fact
that you are now an adult. The task of psychotherapy is to give that
“child” within you—that is, your emotional experiences—the
attention and affirmation that you never received from your mother and
father.
Moreover, speaking
about your mother and father, your current problems do not stem just from
your mother’s lack of emotional attention. A father plays a huge symbolic
role in childhood development, and, when he is missing, all sorts of
emotional and
developmental deficits can occur in the child, not the least of which
will be anger at the father for not protecting you from your mother, and
consequently anger
at all authority in general. Any psychotherapist must be aware of this
hidden anger at the
father because, if it is ignored, it will cause intense unconscious
resistance to
the psychotherapy itself. For example, when you “clam up” in
psychotherapy you exhibit a resistance to doing the work, and this points
to an unconscious anger at your father for his failing to help you when you
needed help.
Finally, speaking
about the psychotherapist, you also say that “my therapist is aware
of the problems.” But it’s really the psychotherapist’s job
to help you enter into emotional intimacy. Being “aware” isn’t
enough. A psychotherapist has to notice precisely where you pull back and
then make an interpretation to help you articulate your inner
experiences.
You “clam
up” because you’re facing some very unpleasant emotions, and your
psychotherapist, like a good father, must have the creativity and confidence
to help you raise these feelings into conscious language. So, if you “clam
up” and your psychotherapist doesn’t help you do something about
it, then he or she is not doing a proper job.
Granted, it can
take a lot of training and experience to notice the subtle cues a client
gives when avoiding emotions, so if your psychotherapist isn’t up to
the job, you might want to find someone who’s better suited to help
you. Of course, given your problems with intimacy, you probably feel a certain
allegiance to your psychotherapy, even as it is failing you. Remember,
that’s how you felt about your mother, right? Instead of speaking the
truth about how she failed you, you reject your true feelings and make yourself
feel guilty for having those feelings. Now it will be important, in order
to put your past to rest and to free your future from inhibition, to desire
the courage to face your
unconscious
truth.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
 |
|
|
|
If
this website has helped you, then