If my
psychologist provoked a transference experience through suggestion (and I
quote: “You have to admit your feelings.” “??”
“You’re falling in love.” “??” “With me.”
“??!!!?”) do my emotional feelings become real or are they simply
a reaction to his suggestion? And if I experienced transference, does this
automatically mean that I have unresolved issues or is there a real possibility
that I simply became attracted to him?
I wrote
him a letter outlining my concerns and discomfort over his willingness to
be emotionally vulnerable and he did not respond, either by writing or by
discussing it face-to-face during our sessions, other than to say no, I did
not hurt his feelings, when I asked him directly about the letter. What does
his reluctance to discuss the contents of my letter mean? Is it possible
that he either had or initiated his own counter transference issues before
I experienced transference? And if all transference means unresolved
issues—of abandonment, neglect, etc.—then what are the basis for
the issues that must be resolved for someone who experiences counter
transference?
If he
experienced and resolved counter transference already with one patient, why
would it be re-opened or re-experienced with me or any other patient? Or
was his reaction to me unique and not likely to happen as an unresolved issue
over and over again? (I kept reminding myself during our sessions not to
take anything he said personally, but convinced myself that this is how he
treats all his patients. Problem with that approach though, is that I
didn’t end up trusting him or anything he said, as I believed his comments
were insincere.)
Would
I have to resolve transference issues with the psychologist who provoked
the reaction, or could I see a new psychologist with whom I would feel is
more safe and neutral? In other words, could I get help, indirectly, through
another psychologist instead of confronting or dealing with the original
psychologist? If I saw a new psychologist, would I necessarily experience
transference again? If I do not resolve my issues with the original psychologist,
am I doomed to run the risk of transference with subsequent psychologists
until resolution? And finally, how long could this take, provided I’m
willing to be as emotionally accessible and pure in my feelings as
possible?
Transference in psychotherapy is not a “bad”
thing, like some sort of infection. Nor is it something you need to feel
embarrassed about. Transference is simply a fact of life.
Transference
is a fact of life because transference
refers to the fact that a person’s emotional experiences from childhood
will be re-experienced in all relationships throughout adult life.
In this sense,
transference has a lot to do with love—but nothing to do with romance,
because romance is a
perversion of love.
The love with which transference is concerned is the matter of having one’s
being affirmed by one’s parents in childhood.
People end up
in psychotherapy as adults largely to remedy the problems stemming from not
having had their beings affirmed as children. And once they begin the
psychotherapy they will have to confront their unmet needs from childhood
and work to listen to and understand the unconscious desire, grief, and
anger they still carry within them.
Now, in regard
to your questions, it seems that your psychotherapist has failed to understand
the true meaning of erotic transference.
He has tried to pervert it into romantic love, making it something personal
to himself, and he has been reluctant to provide you with an honest answer
to your questions. And yes, this would most likely be the result of his
counter-transference issues that he has not resolved. It would be a good
guess that he, too, has unmet needs from childhood that have not been understood,
and so he has acted them out with you. Moreover, it is likely that he will
act out this counter-transference with other clients as well.
The consequence
of any client’s experience with such a psychotherapist is, well, just
what you have experienced: a lack of trust in him and a perception that all
his comments are insincere.
So, if you saw
another psychotherapist, would you experience transference again? Well, yes,
I would hope so. That is, the only way to acknowledge and understand your
unmet needs is to experience them as they occur, right under your nose,
so to speak, in the treatment itself. Those transference feelings are at
the core of your unconscious, and to live an
honest and emotionally
healthy life you will have to resolve those issues. Resolving the transference
is the psychotherapy. You can do this if you find someone who understands
transference and can teach you to respect and understand it as
well.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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