I have
been in therapy for over 20 years (the trauma, abandonment and addiction
issues are too numerous to mention here). . . . Then 16 years
ago, just after I got clean & sober, I met [name of psychotherapist
deleted]. Therapy continued for 16 years with highs and lows there are
still many issues I have to deal with. Almost 20 months ago the Multiple
Sclerosis I have had for over 20 years became progressive. I have struggled
with no longer being able to work and with countless losses related to my
loss of bodily functions. [Name deleted] was my main support, but
the depression was overpowering despite medication. . . .
Devastated by my illness and the depression I relapsed! [Name deleted]
turned cold. She wanted me to go to rehab; she said she would resume therapy
when I finished. She was in contact with me when I was in rehab. It did not
work out because of accessibility issues. Then she wanted me to go to an
intensive outpatient program; again it did not work out, and since rehab
she has refused to speak with me. She called my mom after the outpatient
program did not work and said she wanted me to attend a DBT program. She
has always told me that my diagnosis is PTSD and developmental disabilities.
Bottom line is that she is still refusing to speak to me; there has been
no closure. She will see me after I complete the DBT program, but there is a
month-long wait for admittance. It is already almost 4 months since I spoke to
her. She was a significant part of my life for 16 years; I cannot just walk
away like this without closure. My incentive to attend the DBT program was
two-fold: 1) to get back to see her, and 2) my mom said she would finance
a trip to Disney World for me. I want to see [name deleted] for closure
but am not sure even if she agreed I could see her because I would always
be on eggshells, afraid I would disappoint her again and she would leave
again (I was abandoned at birth so abandonment is a big issue for me). My
only real incentive to attend DBT is Disney World. . . . there
is this big empty hole in my heart and my life where [name deleted]
was. . . . though I do not know if closure would be enough.
I really want to get back into therapy with her. . . . Please
tell me what to do.
As I say on the
Consultation
page of my website, unless you want
psychotherapy
as much as you want to breathe, you will never benefit much from any treatment.
In fact, unless you want psychotherapy as much as you want to breathe, you
will not benefit much from breathing; that is, without proper treatment,
your life will be just a matter of survival, and you will be concerned only
with scooping up all the Disney fantasies you can find along the way in order
to hide from your real pain.
Moreover, believe
it or not, your psychotherapist has been telling you, with her words and
with her behavior, that psychotherapy will go nowhere unless you learn to
become committed to it and follow her instructions. If you don’t ever
see her in psychotherapy again, you will have no one to blame but
yourself.
After 16 years
of treatment, it’s ridiculous to claim that rehab “did not work
out.” It didn’t work because you didn’t want it more
than anything else. And so you will likely never see your psychotherapist
again until you learn to desire treatment more than you desire the sweet
fantasies of Disney World. Moreover, as long as you continue to abandon genuine
life by clinging to feelings of
victimization,
abandonment will always be a big issue for you.
Therefore, your
hope now is not in hiding in childlike Disney fantasies because they, just like
alcohol and drugs, are a craving for a mother’s love that was missing in
childhood. Most likely, your mother bribed you through life and so failed to
love you. You are even emotionally attached to your psychotherapist as a mother
substitute. Your hope now is in facing the reality of the traumas of your childhood.
To do this is hard and emotionally painful work, but it’s possible if your incentive
is to become the adult woman now that you could have been if your mother had not
stifled her.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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If
this website has helped you, then