I have
been in psychotherapy for eight months after a gap of about eight years.
I seem to be moving on so much quicker this time and with a real determination
to use the therapeutic process honestly. I recently became aware of my sexual
feelings for my therapist, and before discussing this with him, decided to
explore the issue myself. Consequently this caused a huge shift in me and
I had what I guess may be called a “breakthrough crisis,” all very
painful but so amazingly insightful. What I don’t fully understand now,
is why my sexual feelings for him have not abated. I know my need for him
is based on my unfulfilled infant needs, but how does the process of transference
resolve?
Look at it like this. As a child, you couldn’t talk
to your parents about your needs they didn’t fulfill. That’s obvious,
because that’s why you’re in paychotherapy. So, what do you do
now as an adult who is learning to recognize and feel all the frustration
about unfulfilled needs? Well, it’s necessary to talk to your
psychotherapist, and, as odd as it sounds, it’s especially necessary
to talk to him about needs he can’t fulfill either. But, unlike with
your parents, with whom you couldn’t talk about your feelings, when
you do talk to your psychotherapist, even though your needs don’t
get fulfilled, you encounter all your painful emotions about your
needs not being fulfilled.
Understanding
this, you can then see that all those erotic
feelings you have are the “natural” way to avoid dealing
with your painful emotions by pretending the needs are fulfilled.
So, in the end, these sexual feelings don’t do anything for you except
keep you stuck in
unconscious
frustration.
Now, you seem
to have discovered this fact on your own, without saying a thing about it
to your psychotherapist. And there’s the problem.
Even if you have
discovered this fact intellectually, the mere knowledge of it doesn’t
resolve the unconscious desire for “love.” Only by speaking about your feelings
and desires within the psychotherapy, being taught about the futility of your
desires, and then experiencing the frustration of learning that sexual feelings
for your psychotherapist are really an illusion will you be able to face your
deepest pain honestly and let the light and air get to your unconscious frustration,
so that it can heal.
Note well, however, that
the success of your treatment will depend on whether your psychotherapist is competent
to understand and explain the futility of sexual desire in psychotherapy. Sadly, many
psychotherapists are not very competent in dealing with the subtle psychodynamic issues
of erotic feelings because they are unconsciously caught up in their own erotic
transference with the world around them. And if the client tries to speak about his or
her feelings, an incompetent psychotherapist will shy away from really exploring the
depth and vast unconscious extent of those feelings. Or, even worse, an incompetent
psychotherapist will, for his or her personal satisfaction, “fan the flames” of the
client’s desire. Yet none of this is psychotherapy—it’s just more of the same manipulation
and game playing that has brought the client into treatment in the first place.
Therefore, your transference
will resolve if you speak openly about it to your psychotherapist and if your psychotherapist
is competent to interpret it without getting entangled in it.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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