I am
a highly functioning depressed borderline. . . . I’ve
been to over 20 therapists in 20+ years. . . . I feel confident
that I’m just smarter than a lot of therapists I meet (I often know
more than the therapist about issues and techniques germane to my situation;
I am often more seasoned than the therapist; when I do get defensive I can
kill the effectiveness of the therapeutic session because the therapist
isn’t strong enough to bring us back to what I’m
avoiding). . . . When I felt feelings for my current therapist,
I told her. . . . I felt we should really examine it, this
transference thing that feels so much like unrequited
love. . . . I don’t think she’s capable of
understanding, or maybe just not of dealing with what I’m going
through. . . . Transference exists, it is part of the process
and is rightly acknowledged. But what happens in a therapeutic crush (such
as mine) is more than that. For one, it is a rock solid observation that
this this therapist has presented all of the behaviors, talents and intellect
that, in a friendship, would give me the righteous and healthy connection
I crave when those with whom I do connect leave me grateful but bored and
empty. And two, this transference is a wish for a metaphysical impossibility,
the urge to merge, the urge to disappear into someone who could be me for
me, to relieve me of the burden while I delighted in an ultimate closeness
at a molecular level. . . . Given that I have such a hard
time finding therapists, I am truly loathe to abandon this
one. . . . In the past few months I have started to use the
word “trust” with her. That took two years. . . .
When I read your notes to writers about their transference, your depth of
knowledge and instruction that transference should be examined over and over
left me sure that I would not be able to work through my transference with
this therapist because she just can’t handle it. . . .
I also must say that I really appreciate having you to write all of this
to. I don’t know of any other outlet, and writing this letter feels
quite satisfying, both for getting it out and for knowing that I will be
heard by someone who really understands the transference issues.
First of all, you give a very accurate description (in
the text of your question that I have italicized) of the illusions
of common love.
These illusions not only cause many interpersonal problems, but they often
lie at the core of many mental health problems as well.
Moreover, as I say
in a discussion about
Borderline Personality
Disorder (BPD), a central dynamic of BPD is rage—rage about not
getting from others the illusions of common love.
So, since you
value my opinions so highly, I will get right to the point here and tell
you the truth: although you are a very smart person, your intellect
has fooled even you and has become a weapon of
rage. Essentially,
early in life your intellect developed ingenious psychological
defenses to protect you from
emotional pain, but as you got older, those very defenses, created to protect you,
began causing interpersonal conflicts that have been holding you back from using the
full potential of your intellect. Now you’re in the sad predicament of offending
others even as you try to protect yourself.
In fact, paying
me a compliment is an underhanded way of throwing an insult to your current
psychotherapist.
What, then should
you do? Well, you need to learn
humility.
It will be important to shatter the illusions of common love and discover real
love because real love is the ability to seek the good of another without regard
for your personal satisfaction or gain. Moreover, this real love does not depend
on being smart; it’s simply a humble,
honest human
interaction with others when you set aside all the illusions of common
love.
So, your healing
requires that you stop using your intellect to fight the world because of the
common love you’re not getting from the world. Your problem with your
psychotherapist does not derive from her being an ineffective psychotherapist;
your problem with your psychotherapist derives from your rage at her.
Therefore, because
it won’t be easy to find a psychotherapist smarter than you are, accept your
current psychotherapist and give her real love by your willingness to allow her to
teach you humble, illusion-free trust and honesty. Rather than blame her for what
she cannot do, open yourself to learning from what she cannot do. That is, you
won’t learn much about the origins and nature of your rage if you don’t learn to
speak about it when you experience it; if you hide it behind fantasies of
“ultimate closeness” with another person, the rage will always be a monster lurking
in the shadows of your unconscious.
Thus, you can learn
more about the illusions that govern you when your desires are thwarted than when
someone gives you exactly what you want. Seek, then, to set aside the pride of your
intellect and then set about learning, and healing, from the place of humble
understanding.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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