I become
obsessed about my therapist. I got in love sexually (in my fantasy) to my therapist,
I am jealous that she have a husband and I am obsessed that she have sex probably
with him everyday and I am searching for some answers. She is older than me, 18 years
older, but she looks nice and younger. I am 26 years old man. Strangely everything
happened when she revealed she have a family and husband.
My therapist
looked like codependent, but nice looking women from my first impression. She is a
good, educated, gentle person. First I have felt just friendliness and good chemistry.
When she said she a have a husband, who is [deleted for confidentiality]
businessman and they moved to [deleted for confidentiality], because of problems
I became afraid. Maybe [deleted for confidentiality] stereotypes made me worry,
because I am from East Europe. Probably it’s the main reason, I fear that she chose
abusive and powerful man over me, who acting bad with her, but she still loves him.
That's how I feel over my subconscious. That she betrayed me. I want to defend her
in my mind, I worry that man using her, but at the same time I feel angry at her, that
she is good women, but looking for a bad boys. And I am like in a second plan. That’s my
interpretations, I don’t know her life. But that’s how I feel. It seems I have attracted
her in my therapy, I just don't know if it’s my own projections. But subconscious is
powerful, you still can attract people like that even in therapy. Some details what she
revealed, shocked me up, but me. She have never thought I could react like that over some
details. It seemed I was waiting for that, for words like businessman,
[deleted for confidentiality], they moved because of problems
from their country, because of business.
When I thought
she was living alone, I was more comfortable. I’ve never thought I could be in that awkward
situation, but this is how I feel, I can’t stop my feelings, fear of abandonment,
inferiority, not in her level or attractive, that her husband is better than me,
having her every night, jealousy, that they are successful, she is happy, that
she look everywhere sexually, but not in me and that they having sex every night.
I feel so tragic, despair, left and abandonment, like a wolf who is shouting alone in a night.
It seems life is a party around you and you are out of life board, removed from
human race and pleasure. The feeling you don’t belong, you not like “us”, advanced
and successful.
I believe something
here comes from my family origin and she somewhat maybe reminds my mother (but I don’t
feel consciously), probably when you are afraid that your father takes all attention and
your codependent mother gives love for him. You feel unloved and in some ways you
helplessly trying to be like your father. In simple words I feel enmeshed with my
therapist over these issues and it’s like addicted love, give me love over "him"
obsession and cause of this raising inferiority and sense of devaluation.
I am obsessed that
she (therapist) have a successful bully, who was bullying me and humiliated in streets
or school. That’s why I am so probably insecure, inferior about this situation and this
sparks some kind of despair. She is with my enemy in my mind, while I am thinking about
her. You see she represents so many transferences at once, that I am even confused.
But at the end of the day, between my conflicts I believe there is real sympathy between
those transferences, each part of me or inner child or closed in a box adult (with jealousy)
represents something different and I am even not capable to understand where is addicted
love and where is true sympathy in the whole picture and what part each of them represents
my issues. Neurotic people have many conflicts like Karen Horney, a German psychoanalyst
have told and they are I do believe in the core of abandonment, toxic shame family
origins.
From her I got
to understand my issues, that I have emotional abandonment - toxic shame from mother,
my father left physically at 15 years old after divorce, so I was living pretty alone. Now I
see the consequences, after many depression relapses and finally bipolar 2 misdiagnosis.
I am way better, almost no medications. But wound pain is obvious now. I am afraid that
some therapists saying that abandonment is like diabetes and not curable. But I see how
it affecting me. I am feeling closed like in a box with my potential. I see the inner
conflict between my inner child and adult me. And how they are screaming for love for
my therapist. Adult saying to her “hey I am there, just see me, I am just closed in a
box, I must be in your husband place”. But she don’t see that part. She see probably
wounded grown child, who is codependent, takes all the spot and asking for helpless
love. She don’t feel attraction for me, just human love. I am so devastated. I am so
jealous that she give her all to her husband.
The thing is she
look at transference a bit more open minded and not going into labels so fast. Now I
understood her, maybe she is right, cause its very complex thing. Transfers happening
everywhere, not only in therapy. So I am thinking where is true feeling “here and now”,
normal attraction, like for a women (why not, she is cute) and where a part plays
transference, cause I do believe I really like her, she is my taste, my intuition
saying that and healthy part, adult (real potential) “closed in a box”. But another
part as you see is really transference. She (therapist) reactivates all my wounds,
fears and insecurities. You see its very confusing. Its not that easy as it can look.
I am balancing between conflicts.
I wanted to ask can
I go further to therapy, cause it seems her life is making me devastating, cause she
don't feel attraction for me, paradoxically after such a help and progress over 1 year
in therapy. Now I see the real contrast, real wounds what she represents, she have more
positive energy and vibe and that is affecting me. Maybe I need another therapist who was
more crushed by life that I could feel comfortable? Or I need this contrast and pain?
It seems I attracted her to my life, difference now just only in therapy, again to be
abandonment and relive it. I feel embarrassed cause my life is different, I feel empty and
alone, not powerful and successful. I am jealous because she is happy, jealous of her life,
because deep down I feel that I deserve that life (in symbol way to express my potential).
I deserve her, I know it. It seems she represents and ignites my potential, wounds and
subconsciously I am afraid of her energy, its the same like fear of intimacy. So I sabotage
myself and control that energy or aura like codependent, instead of accepting it. Because
subconsciously I am not worthy of it. Also controlling is fear of abandonment
symptom.
My erotic transference
she took okay, even though it was very very hard to tell about her husband and how I am jealous
that they have sex. But she thinks I really feel sympathy for her, naturally, till now.
But later we will see.
P.S. I understand
that success, good life, just hides behind symbols, that represents warmness, togetherness
what you lack, your locked power and potential, cause not all people activate that in you,
some people can be rich or happy, but you feel nothing, even happiness for them. Probably
my therapist reminds me abandonment or rejection from some people in my past that I was
too bad for her. When she told she don’t feel attraction for me, I don’t remember when I
was so crying, half and hour and so desperately loud.
T
he physical and emotional abandonment that you experienced
in childhood has caused deep psychological wounds in you, and so you are to be
commended for seeking psychotherapy to heal those wounds. Nevertheless,
resistance
to doing that work will always manifest for everyone, in some way; in your case,
your focus on your psychotherapist as a woman is a manifestation of resistance.
By focusing on the “woman,” you are
unconsciously seeking to
soothe your feelings of abandonment through fantasies of sexuality with your
psychotherapist, and you unconsciously act out your
anger at your father
through fantasies of envy for your psychotherapist’s husband. As long as you stay
in this imaginary place you
will not find any psychological healing. Hence by preoccupying yourself with
fantasies of sexuality you prevent the psychotherapy from progressing. And that’s
what resistance to the treatment is.
Now, from what
you have told me, you have done the right thing to bring a discussion of this
resistance into the psychotherapy. You understand the way transference happens.
Sadly, your psychotherapist has failed as a psychotherapist. When you told her of
your feelings for her, she responded by saying she had no interest in you. In her
response, she was speaking as a woman, not as a psychotherapist. By speaking as a
woman, she abandoned you and consequently reactivated the wounds of your childhood
abandonment. In doing this, she cheated you of the ability to “go further” in
psychotherapy and heal the wounds of your childhood abandonment. That’s why you are
angry. And in your anger you fell back into your old defenses of
shame and self-blame
to punish yourself for getting abandoned.
So why did your
psychotherapist fail you? Well, just as any individual has a resistance to facing the
truth of his or her own emotional pain, our culture has a collective resistance to
facing the truth of human brokenness and vulnerability. We have all been duped into
believing that sexuality is necessary for human happiness, and all around us—television,
movies, music, advertising, and social networking—the lie is being propagated. But the
truth can never be suppressed. The pain of abandonment in childhood cannot be gotten rid
of with a sexual relationship. But it seems that your psychotherapist does not understand
that fact; she has been duped herself by our culture, and so she cannot help you extricate
yourself from the cultural lies that have entangled you.
Although your psychotherapist
has been duped by our culture, your mind may not yet be capable of understanding the
profundity of that fact. In fact, that’s the metaphorical base for the symptoms of
bipolar disorder: feeling
oppressed by the culture itself (the “Other” in
Lacan’s terminology) you could not
see the oppression for what it was, so you unconsciously looked for it in tangible ways;
that is, in other people and things you could control. That’s why your psychotherapist’s
husband became such a powerful signifier for you. In your mind, he became the reason for
your psychotherapist’s insecurity; he was the bully afflicting her.
Therefore, your “sympathy” for
your psychotherapist is misplaced; it really is the sympathy you need to feel for yourself.
To heal from childhood abandonment, it will be important that you “abandon” the idea that
your emotional pain is a matter of your relationship with another person and instead to “adopt”
the idea that you have been betrayed—and confused—by all the social fraud around you. If you
think your role is to rescue others, you will always feel weak and inadequate, but if you
realize that your purpose is to name fraud as fraud and free yourself from enmeshment in it,
then you will find your true strength—a spiritual strength that values truth and real
love.
So, even though your
psychotherapist has helped you greatly so far, she can take you no further. You probably
need another psychotherapist, one who can teach you that life is not a matter of whether
anyone accepts you but that life is a matter of whether you accept your own unconscious
and the truth that governs it.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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