I started
therapy about 20 months ago, was very short and then we pass to counseling,
I started to go twice a month, then every month now about every six to eight
weeks. . . . I too, have strong feeling of transference
for my therapist, however I feel those feelings are good, and provide me
with a sense of power and wellness. At the same time this produce on my some
kind of frustration, but I (rationally) understand this, I feel strong desire
to be close to my therapist, but I can’t picture myself out of his office
with him, I want him, but I prefer him as my therapist. What surprised my
more, is that your repeated over and over, that you need to let you therapist
know about those feeling. So far I never considered to disclosure this feeling
to him, that can be so awkward, and would make me feel out of place. I really
feel this transference enrich and empower me, but is mine to keep, and is
out of question . . . to share it with him. I think
if I disclose to him my transference feeling I will give him the upper
hand. . . . However, and in a way, I feel kind of cheated
on, (and not by my therapist, but by this whole therapy system) when you
go to therapy, minding your own business, or your own problems in this case,
(at the beginning, I just went for marital problems) how naive I was, I get
a lot more that what I bargain for. Happen out of nowhere struck me like
a big hard rock that I did not see coming or know what it was, the transference
feelings, was like I go to the doctor for an aspirin, and ended up with major
surgery. . . . First I wondered, why he did not tell me anything about
this? (I did not even know was called transference) why my therapist remain
silent in spite of what he or we know? . . . [A]nyway
I think he knows very well what is going on, I love him dearly but that is
it, I don’t see the point to tell him, I just control my feelings, and
that by itself feel as a good therapy. Sometimes, out of the blue, a strong
desire to see him and talk to him overcome me, and is then when I am aware
that can not just follow my impulses. When this happen I just wait a few
days to this urgent feeling to pass, however if in my thinking I found that
really exist a legitimate reason to see him I do not delay my session. At
one time I was afraid about the therapy termination, now I am not. I know
it will finish some day, for now, I have plans to keep it as long as I can.
When therapy is over I will treasure what I learned about myself with his
guide, I will treasure the hours we spend talking and what he gave me, I
will treasure his empathy, kindness and gentleness. I will treasure like
something priceless. And I will deeply grateful to my creator to allow us
to cross paths.
P.S. I apologize for my writing, English is my second language, and I struggle
writing.
Your questions and comments actually raise two different
issues.
First, all
many psychotherapy clients find themselves asking, “Why wasn’t I
warned about the matter of
transference before
my treatment started?” In fact, most psychotherapists do not give such
a warning to new clients. Yes, all competent psychotherapists have been taught
about transference, but that training can vary from just a couple paragraphs
read in a textbook in an introductory course on psychotherapy to extensive
seminars on the subject. Still, even though a competent psychotherapist may
know about transference, it usually does not occur to many psychotherapists
to include a mention of it in their
Office Policies
form where they should state clearly the risks of treatment.
Second, you raise
the point about talking about your feelings of affection for your
psychotherapist.
As I say throughout
this section of the website, transference feelings, in general, should be
discussed openly because emotional
honesty is the
core of deep psychotherapy. Just as emotional secrecy causes
symptoms in the
first place, emotional honesty, through speech and language, will lead to
the cure of the symptoms.
Some forms of
treatment, however—such as counseling and
cognitive-behavioral
psychotherapy—do not depend as much on the client-psychotherapist
relationship as does deep
psychodynamic
psychotherapy. In these forms of treatment it may not be necessary to
the success of the treatment to speak about transference feelings—and
even if a client did try to speak about the transference, the counselor or
psychotherapist might not know what to do about it anyway.
You mention that
you are seeing a counselor and that you meet now every six to eight weeks.
In this sort of treatment your solution to the transference—silent
awareness—may be all that is necessary. In fact, the “broken”
English of your writing (which I chose not to edit, except for length) reveals
a charming optimism about life, and this attitude seems to be serving you
very well.
So consider all
that has happened. You went to treatment for marital problems, and you discovered
a priceless treasure of empathy, kindness, and gentleness. You found just
what is needed to make your marriage work. It wasn’t what you expected,
but it was what you truly desired.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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If
this website has helped you, then