24 years
ago. . . . I sought a psychologist for
help. . . . When I began to feel more “special,”
I developed an awful crushing erotic transference for the therapist, who
at nearly 60 was exactly the age of my mother. I am sure he knew it, he once
remarked that he was suffering from “transference in the opposite,”
which terrified me so I just pretended he hadn’t said that. He did come
by my new business to see me a few times, we went out for coffee from there
a few times, but nothing more sexual than hugs occurred. . . .
Finally we terminated my therapy, and although I did not see him again, and
he’s died quite some time ago, hardly a day has passed that I don’t
think of him. I’m weary of this obsession of him. . . .
I won’t ask, “When will this go away?” ... I will ask, “What
can I do to be rid of this?”
The sad truth of the matter is found in your words
“which terrified me so I just pretended he hadn’t said
that.” You pretended not to see the truth at the very point when
you knew that he had botched the treatment. And now, 24 years later, you
still suffer from the fact that instead of interpreting and dissolving the
transference this so-called “therapist” acted
it out.
This all proves
a point that I make throughout this website, and yet it’s a point that
many persons in contemporary society pretend not to notice: that
eroticism is the cause of a multitude
of mental health problems, and that it cures none of them.
So, what can you do?
Well, real psychotherapy does not “get rid of” anything. The work of real
psychotherapy is to interpret and understand the purpose of your symptoms so
that, having been properly understood, they go away willingly.
Your hope now is to
face up to the truth of a botched treatment. Recognize how this man essentially
crippled you emotionally, and then feel the pain of it all—the frustration, the
indignity, the sorrow, the loss. This can be difficult, however, because you so
desire to be fond of him that you don’t want to admit that he hurt you. And herein
we come to the matter of your obsession with him.
In a general sense, an
obsession can be defined as secretly knowing the truth about something or someone and
pretending that you don’t know. In a practical sense, this pretense amounts to an
impossibility that repeats itself over and over because it can never be resolved—and this
impossibility leads to frustration, and frustration leads to anger at not being able to
change what is impossible.
In your specific case, you are
obsessed with your psychotherapist because, even though he failed you and hurt you by
botching the treatment, you continue to pretend that you had a “special” relationship
with him. Yet, underneath the pretense, you harbor a secret anger at him for failing
you.
Now, if you can face up to
the truth of a botched treatment and feel the emotional pain of it all, you can take an
important step in your healing:
forgive him; that is, let go
of the anger that lies behind your obsession by letting go of your desire to change the
reality of your not being special. Then you can take personal responsibility for making
the rest of your life as meaningful as possible.
But you can’t forgive him or
make the rest of your life as meaningful as possible if you pretend that he didn’t make a
grave blunder. Why? Well, as long as you continue to pretend “he hadn’t said that” the
meaning of your life will be nothing more than the obsession with keeping a pretense
alive.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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this website has helped you, then