I have
a wonderful relationship with my father, but I am still extremely attracted
(sexually and emotionally) to my older male psychotherapist. I have tried
to speak about my attraction to him on several different occasions, but we
never discuss the deeper meaning of it, other than him just saying he feels
really flattered that I feel this way about him and says I am attractive,
beautiful, etc. Last week after our session he gave me a really intimate
hug. I don’t understand what is going on. Is he being inappropriate
with me? What could be a different reason for why I am attracted to him (instead
of it being a father-figure based attraction), and does it sound like he
could be attracted to me?
There might be more to your
unconscious relationship
with your father than you think.
Look at what
has occurred. First you chose a psychotherapist to whom you now feel an
erotic attraction. Then he flaunts
his attraction to you. And he takes your attraction to him personally, instead
of treating it
psychotherapeutically. And you’re hoping it’s
legitimate.
The French have
a term for this. Folie à deux. In translation it loses its
charm, but it means something like “a craziness of
two.”
In other words,
you and your “psychotherapist” are acting
out the unconscious dynamics of your relationship with your
father.
Most likely there is considerable unconscious anger
at your father, perhaps because he was passive while your mother was mean
and critical; you would have bonded with your father to compensate for the
lack of your mother’s affection, yet at the same time you would have
resented your father for not protecting you from your mother’s fury.
That’s just a guess, and the truth could be anything, but the point
is that things aren’t always what you think they are on the
surface.
Now, it’s
understandable that you would seek psychotherapy to help you recognize and
resolve those unconscious dynamics. But if all you do is
act them out in the treatment, you merely perpetuate
them. And that, sadly, is not psychotherapy.
Now, from what you
have said, the danger to you currently is not that your psychotherapist is a
wolf in psychotherapist’s clothing. The danger to you
is you, in your unconscious desire to want your psychotherapist to be
attracted to you, all as a way to hide the truth that your father failed you in
some way that you don’t want to admit.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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