 O SAY
anything about boundaries we must bring up the topic of child abuse. But
let’s be clear that abuse can range from severe sexual and physical
abuse to subtle emotional manipulation. To the
unconscious, though, any abuse, no matter how severe
or mild, is an insult to personal integrity.
It’s precisely
this concept of an insult to personal integrity that leads us to the
subject of boundaries, because adults who were abused as children lack the
ability to set appropriate boundaries. Why? Well, their not having boundaries
served them as a defense mechanism in childhood. If
you try to do anything to resist, you just get hurt all the more, right?
So setting aside any resistance means less hurt.
Sadly, defenses
that served you well as a child to ensure survival can, when carried into
adulthood, actually cripple you.
With persistence
and courage, however, any psychological defense can be overcome. So if a
lack of boundaries has gotten you into trouble in the past, take heart, for
the problem can be remedied.
The First
Step
Your first step
will be to overcome the pernicious belief that you are
worthless. Like any abused child you developed this
belief to tolerate your lack of resistance to abuse. If you can convince
yourself that you’re worthless, then you can more easily justify not
resisting anything that degrades your value.
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A good metaphor
to help you understand your own personal value comes from aviation. If you
have ever flown on a commercial airliner, you have heard the safety talks
at the beginning of the flight. One talk concerns the oxygen masks, which
will drop down from the overhead compartment in the event of a sudden
decompression at altitude. In that talk, you are warned to put on your own
mask before trying to assist someone else.
Do you know why? Well, at high altitudes there is very little oxygen in the
air, and the brain can survive for only a few seconds without supplemental
oxygen. So, in the time it takes to help someone else who is confused and
struggling, you could both pass out and die. But if you put on your own mask
immediately, you will have the oxygen you need to survive and think clearly,
so you can be of real help to others.
The point here
is that unless you take care of yourself first, you cannot be of any help
to others. |
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The Second
Step
Your second step
will be to understand that healthy boundaries derive from
love, not
fear.
For example,
you will often see so-called “nice” persons who always appear to
sacrifice themselves for others. They give the impression that capitulating
to others promotes peace and that boundaries are selfish—but many of
these persons are motivated by an unconscious need
to keep the “peace” because of a fear of getting hurt. Such persons
usually come from dysfunctional families, and they themselves may have played
the unconscious “family role” of peacekeeper. The real motive for
their behavior, though, is fear, not love.
On the other
hand, you can also find persons who, knowing full well that they are being
hurt, will sometimes set aside their boundaries as an act of charity for
others. For example, if people push past you to get on a bus, you might decide
to say nothing, knowing that people who would push past you to get on a bus
will also react with hostility if you say anything to them about their rude
behavior. In this case you can set aside your boundaries and tolerate their
rude behavior with forbearance, praying that they might someday learn to
act with charity to others. Yet these same persons who can willingly set
aside their boundaries can just as well defend them. For example, if someone
at work uses foul language, you can say that you do not like to hear such
talk; if the talk persists, you can get up and walk away.
So you can see
that there is a big difference between someone who has clear boundaries and
is willing to protect them—and who can willingly set the boundaries
aside for the good of others, if necessary—and someone who, because
of fear, tolerates anything.
Therefore, acting
out of fear only leads to a wasted life because it
unconsciously supports rudeness and disorder. Acting from love, however,
can bring genuine good into the world, through personal
example. But only with healthy boundaries can you act from love.
Why?
The Lack of
Boundaries:
A Refusal Based on Hatred
Well, consider
that boundaries have a fundamental place in life itself. Look around you,
and you will see that every living creature has its own territory in which
it lives and that it defends against intrusion. Boundaries are so fundamental
that even criminals who thrive on violating the integrity of others have
their own internal code of ethics, their own
“boundaries.”
So, considering
that boundaries have a core purpose in civilization, an individual’s
lack of personal, psychological boundaries isn’t really a true lack—at
least, it’s not a lack in the philosophical sense of something
“missing.” Instead, this apparent lack is really a refusal
to defend one’s own dignity. And it’s a refusal based on hatred.
That’s right. Hatred: a hatred of the self that results from living
always in fear because of having been abused as a child. Unable to make sense
of senseless abuse, a child, using the full effort of imperfect childhood
logic, arrives at the only “logical” conclusion: “It must
be my fault. I’m just a worthless person. I deserve condemnation.”
And there you have it: self-hatred engendered by fear that is engendered
by abuse.
Now, if you
didn’t hate yourself, you would be able to take proper care of
yourself—and that includes having healthy boundaries to protect your
dignity. And if you had healthy boundaries to protect your dignity, you could,
like in the example of the oxygen mask, take proper care of others. And taking
proper care of others is an aspect of love.
To re-establish
healthy boundaries, then, endeavor to stop refusing to defend boundaries.
You can do this simply by starting to refuse to hate—and that
includes refusing to hate yourself.
Examples of Healthy
Boundaries
Refusing
to break the law.
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The law is absolute
to a particular city, state, or
country.[1]
Breaking the law is not just an act of hatred to authority, it is a criminal
act with unpleasant penalties. If you break the law, even if others manipulate
you into doing it, you pay the price—and self-sabotage is an
act of self-hatred. |
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Refusing to
bend the rules.
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Unlike the law, which
is absolute, rules are relative to a particular social context. Rules allow
things to function smoothly because everyone within a particular context
agrees to them. Rules can refer to a game, to office procedures, to family
conduct, or even to the conduct of psychotherapy.
But if rules are bent, then the whole social context suffers—and making
someone suffer is an act of hatred. |
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Refusing to
betray your moral values.
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Your moral values
provide your own internal guidance about what is wrong to do, even if it
might be legal or even if social rules permit it. Moral values derive from
an abstract sense of the “good,” which often has a
religious component to it. Betraying your moral
values—that is, doing something immoral—is a way of hating the
good. |
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Refusing to
allow someone to get too close to you emotionally.
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We do not live in
a world of true love; we live in a world of selfishness, where others try
to get their needs met even at the expense of your needs. People will try
to get you to “open up” when you don’t feel like it, and they
will try to get you to “spill your guts” when it can be used against
you. Allowing yourself to be pressured like this hurts only you—and
that is an act of self-hatred. |
|
Refusing to
allow someone to get too close to you physically.
|
We are physical
creatures. Our bodies are made of bones and flesh. Each of us, therefore,
has a physical presence that makes us unique and contributes to our sense
of individuality. Being touched when you don’t want to be touched violates
your sense of soul. It makes you into an
object—or, even worse, it makes your body into a piece of
garbage. Allowing someone to treat you like garbage
is an act of self-hatred. |
|
Boundaries in
Psychotherapy
Life often involves
counter-intuitive principles. For example, to drive from one place to another
you may have to drive for a while in a direction away from your destination.
Psychology, too, is like this, especially when working clinically with the
psychology of the unconscious.
Boundaries in
psychotherapy, therefore, can have a counter-intuitive element to them. When
a client makes demands of the psychotherapist, the psychotherapist demonstrates
that he or she cares about the client
by resisting the temptation to cross certain boundaries so as to attempt
to fulfill the client’s demands. To the client, this protection of
boundaries can feel restrictive—even confusing—but to the psychotherapy
process it’s a job well done.
The explanation
for this, as with most things psychological, can be found in the psychology
of infant development.
The time of infancy
brings with it the expectation that the expression of needs will lead
to the fulfillment of those needs. A child cries, and a mother—a
good mother—will come running to feed the child, change the diaper,
relieve pain, or do whatever needs to be done. After all, a good mother can
interpret the meaning of any cry.
As infancy progresses
into childhood, a new task begins. Rather than be dependent on having their
needs fulfilled in all things, children learn how to fulfill their own needs.
They want to hold their own cup and tie their own shoes. This prepares children
to grow into mature and responsible adults.
But, in a
dysfunctional family, little of this healthy learning takes place. If infants
are denied the comfort of feeling understood, they will not be able to take
up the task of wanting to fulfill their own needs. Never having felt understood,
they will feel burdened by always having to take care of themselves. The
mature obligation of fulfilling their own needs will seem like a
curse.
Psychotherapy
offers the opportunity to learn as an adult what was not learned naturally
in childhood. In psychotherapy, clients can experience the comfort of being
understood. Clients can speak about the needs they have, they can feel the
yearning to have those needs fulfilled, and they can verbalize the pain of
not having someone else fulfill those needs. Being honest about this pain,
and feeling understood in expressing it, clients can then learn confidently
to take up tasks that previously felt oppressive.
If, however,
the psychotherapist acquiesces to the demand to fulfill the client’s
needs, the attempt will infantilize the client, will overwhelm the
psychotherapist, and will lead to a failure of the psychotherapy. Instead
of teaching the client mature independence, the psychotherapist will cripple
the client. A psychotherapist who makes this mistake shows that he or she
does not really care about the client.
Thus the full
irony becomes revealed: only by maintaining boundaries does the psychotherapist
show real caring for the client.
Notes:
1.
Note, however, that laws are hierarchical. If federal law contradicts state
law, federal law has precedence. Similarly, divine law has precedence over
federal law.
No
advertising—no sponsor—just the simple truth . . .
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Additional
Resources
Related pages within A Guide to Psychology and
its Practice:
Anger
Confidentiality
Consumer Rights and
Office Policies
Death—and the Seduction
of Despair
Psychology: Clinical
or Counseling or ...?
Questions and Answers
about Psychotherapy
Reasons to Visit a
Psychologist
Types of
Treatment
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